Today I’ve decided that I will reserve my openness, self-disclosure, and intimacy for people who can be equally open. I have spent countless years building bonds with people who struggle with appropriate self-disclosure in an intimate relationship. They are too guarded and secretive. Ironically, each time I have attempted to have an open dialogue about my concerns about their lack of sharing they seem to not think they have a problem and it is deflected.
It’s okay too each his own. I had a major awakening today and to be totally honest I have decided to do some major pruning when it comes to my life and who I will continue to invite to sit on the front row seat of my life. And those who are elusive, closed off, secretive, overly guarded, abruptly withdraw without notice and do not have a healthy give and take in self disclosure will be politely pruned from my life or escorted to the back.
It doesn’t make me right and it doesn’t make them wrong. It just makes us incompatible. I have found overly guarded people can be reluctant or unable to make the kinds of personal self-disclosures that help deepen relationships. Usually as people get to know each other they move past safe, surface-level topics and start sharing more and more of their vulnerabilities and ‘real selves’. Typically, each person start with minor disclosures, and if they’re met with acceptance and understanding, they step up.
The expectation is that if one person reveals something about themselves that turnabout is fair play. If they it causes imbalance in the connection process. The person who opened up may be left feeling displeased, disadvantaged, and a little unfairly exposed. In the past, I’ve had a habit of sharing too much and have attempted to discuss the issue in the past to be met with what I consider to be stonewalling. As a result, I would decide the limit had been reached on how close that friendship can get.
However, I have decided today going forward that I much rather cut my losses when encountering stonewalling from people who do not engage in equitable relationships rather than attempting to define where the limits are and then safeguarding them. I don’t have the time or the energy anymore to invest in this manner. True close intimate friendships and/or romantic relationships require more than being someone’s cheerleader, swapping trivia, swapping book knowledge, and/or being a good listener to gain more knowledge about the other person while maintaining one’s privacy.
For me that’s a blueprint for an acquaintance not a friendship. In my opinion, acquaintances do not require steady time investments. My friendship/relationship blueprint says that things should be equitable and balanced across the board. I understand and respect that many things contribute to the inaccessibly and semi-inaccessible sealed vaults. And, there are many people who are totally okay with building friendships and intimate relationships with them. Everyone has their limitations and this appears to be one of mine. It doesn’t make me right and anyone else wrong.
We all have the right to choose who we let in, who keep in, who let out, and who we keep out of our lives. I choose to let the semi-accessible and inaccessible sealed vaults out of my life, not let them into my life and keep them out of my life.